Monday, May 26, 2008
Patch Job Woman
Both arms, and ankles broken, twice-busted nose, broken jaw, smashed maxible, broken and dead teeth, deaf in one ear, pneumonia-scarred lungs, nerve-damaged hand, accidentally electrocuted, knee replaced, miscarriages, staph fingers, fallen-off toe nail, child-fist-sized chunk of breast gone, laparoscoped uterus, flat-footed orphan. Backbone of steel.
Both arms, and ankles broken, twice-busted nose, broken jaw, smashed maxible, broken and dead teeth, deaf in one ear, pneumonia-scarred lungs, nerve-damaged hand, accidentally electrocuted, knee replaced, miscarriages, staph fingers, fallen-off toe nail, child-fist-sized chunk of breast gone, laparoscoped uterus, flat-footed orphan. Backbone of steel.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
The Colour Red
I was all prepared in my mind for the “what next?” if it was bad news.
I was not really prepared for the good news. So now I’m not sure what’s next. Should I just carry on as normal? Or do something really wacky?
I had some lovely moments yesterday. As I drove to Sarah’s house to pick her up to go to the hospital, a male cardinal swooped down and flew in front of my windshield all the way up the street to her house. I thought of my dad then, and felt that the colour red was so courageous. I so often don’t remember or think of my dad. But I think he sent me a huge sign yesterday. I also thought of him again, when we were leaving the hospital, we stopped for a moment in the foyer at the Victoria St. entrance of St. Mike’s And I saw, really for the first time, the huge statue of St. Michael. My dad loved the saints. I looked at St. Michael and thought of my dad again. He was treated at St. Mike’s when he was sick in 1981-1982… so long ago. It was a really UNhappy time for me and for all of us. And now here I was face-to-face with St. Michael… feeling so happy. I had a big cry then and there as I was trying to sort out my knitting and get my purse organized.
And people who don't normally pray said their prayers.
I was all prepared in my mind for the “what next?” if it was bad news.
I was not really prepared for the good news. So now I’m not sure what’s next. Should I just carry on as normal? Or do something really wacky?
I had some lovely moments yesterday. As I drove to Sarah’s house to pick her up to go to the hospital, a male cardinal swooped down and flew in front of my windshield all the way up the street to her house. I thought of my dad then, and felt that the colour red was so courageous. I so often don’t remember or think of my dad. But I think he sent me a huge sign yesterday. I also thought of him again, when we were leaving the hospital, we stopped for a moment in the foyer at the Victoria St. entrance of St. Mike’s And I saw, really for the first time, the huge statue of St. Michael. My dad loved the saints. I looked at St. Michael and thought of my dad again. He was treated at St. Mike’s when he was sick in 1981-1982… so long ago. It was a really UNhappy time for me and for all of us. And now here I was face-to-face with St. Michael… feeling so happy. I had a big cry then and there as I was trying to sort out my knitting and get my purse organized.
And people who don't normally pray said their prayers.
Benign
be·nign
–adjective
1.
having a kindly disposition; gracious: a benign king.
2.
showing or expressive of gentleness or kindness: a benign smile.
3.
favorable; propitious: a series of benign omens and configurations in the heavens.
4.
(of weather) salubrious; healthful; pleasant or beneficial.
5.
Pathology. not malignant; self-limiting.
be·nign
–adjective
1.
having a kindly disposition; gracious: a benign king.
2.
showing or expressive of gentleness or kindness: a benign smile.
3.
favorable; propitious: a series of benign omens and configurations in the heavens.
4.
(of weather) salubrious; healthful; pleasant or beneficial.
5.
Pathology. not malignant; self-limiting.
Monday, May 19, 2008
In This Week
I will:
take my knitting class
walk the dog approximately 12 times, and brush her approximately once
finish my second Janet Evanovich novel
buy TTC tickets
see a Contact show
see my second Toronto FC game (with 5 friends)
play my first gay league softball game
read the paper everyday
oversee my first weekend installation, complete with war room
go to my book club
play Wii
find out.
I will:
take my knitting class
walk the dog approximately 12 times, and brush her approximately once
finish my second Janet Evanovich novel
buy TTC tickets
see a Contact show
see my second Toronto FC game (with 5 friends)
play my first gay league softball game
read the paper everyday
oversee my first weekend installation, complete with war room
go to my book club
play Wii
find out.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Still Vapid
I know I'm all heavy and shit these days but I happened to watch like 2 seconds of Entertainment Tonight the other day (clips from Oprah: Return to Xenu's Couch, Mach II), DID NOT TOM CRUISE'S EYES LOOK RECENTLY NIP/TUCKED?
Thought so.
I know I'm all heavy and shit these days but I happened to watch like 2 seconds of Entertainment Tonight the other day (clips from Oprah: Return to Xenu's Couch, Mach II), DID NOT TOM CRUISE'S EYES LOOK RECENTLY NIP/TUCKED?
Thought so.
Human Beings Being Humans
There has been so much back and forth, weirdness, emails, phone calls, even a note dropped in my mailbox declaring "We all just want the best for you". This from someone I just met on Sunday for the first time.
I finally said to her I'm making a choice to say no thank you to our Niagara weekend. I really need a break from you, this and our friendship. Thanks for permitting the space. I needed to let you know that asap. I always thought your intentions were authentic. I had a return message saying I permit you to say no but I'm not giving up on you and still want you to do this... UN-fuckin-believable.
This morning Tammy called to tell me about the loss of our college friend Booger. I’ve really appreciated all her communications about that, even though I was not close to the guy. I appreciated it so much.
Really weird, because then other guys who we partied with in those days popped into my head. Hopefully those guys will get the word somehow.
I had such a long chat with Tammy this morning and man, it was a good one.
I am having a lumpectomy tomorrow. There are suspicious lesions in my breast and they have to come out for pathology (a biopsy was done but it was not enough).
As if this wasn’t stressful enough, crazy came to town in the form of my friend who took The Landmark Forum course. And while it seems like she has had an amazing transformation and is so happy (something has obviously worked for her), she is trying to get me to register and I simply don’t want to. It has gone beyond weird and I have asked her to back off for a good long time. No joke, this bs is causing me grief and I have been grinding my teeth and challenged to concentrate at work.
Since all this Landmark stuff started about a week ago I have done a tonne of due diligence and reading. Although not officially recognized as a cult (and no one has ever died from it), there are disturbing aspects to it… “Large group awareness training” is what you can Google in order to see what this is all about. Basically they deconstruct your personality, and through repetition they teach you some jargon and ideas, then there’s fake psychotherapy, sharing, shaming and confessions (I mean, people share / confess things that are shameful to them, then the leader says something like “it sounds like you have an issue with trust”), and then through acceptance of the group you are built back up. All this over 12 hour days with very few breaks. There is also a lot of pressure to sign up for more advanced courses and to tell everyone you know about the Landmark Forum and to get others to sign up. The 3.5 day intensive course is $600 and there are about 150 people in the course each time it is taught. That’s $90,000 they take in each time the course is taught, which is every month (in addition to all the other courses they teach). They keep overhead low by having very few staff and very many volunteers who dedicate their time in order to stay hooked into the counselling and mentoring (and to keep riding the bliss wave). The onus is on the volunteers to get people to register in order to advance themselves. Something like getting 400 “regs” (folks to sign up for the basic course – The Landmark Forum) enables someone to advance to a high level (sounds a little like Scientology but without the aliens & star power). So, you end up spending lots of money on more courses and lots of time helping to run the place.
I love human stories but this thing is just crackers. I really feel like I dodged a bullet. Man, taking the Landmark course is the LAST thing I want to do.
Things I DO want to do: pay off my house, travel, love my g-f forever, and learn how to knit. I don't want to attend a pseudo corporate seminar on a sunny summer weekend. Her attitude of "you are doing this course" and my attitude of "no thanks" is making any normal interaction very uncomfortable. Friendship should be easier.
I am so worried and so fed up… and now this poor dude has died. WHAT A FUCKIN WEEK! I don’t want to drink the Kool-aid! Don’t make me! You can't roofy me into this. I don't respond well to pressure, bullying, confrontation or manipulation.
You know I am still smiling though… laughing a little too, and constantly amazed where the journey of life takes us. I’m not scared. I’m so grateful I have my friends. I feel connected and I feel loved. And I love myself too.
There has been so much back and forth, weirdness, emails, phone calls, even a note dropped in my mailbox declaring "We all just want the best for you". This from someone I just met on Sunday for the first time.
I finally said to her I'm making a choice to say no thank you to our Niagara weekend. I really need a break from you, this and our friendship. Thanks for permitting the space. I needed to let you know that asap. I always thought your intentions were authentic. I had a return message saying I permit you to say no but I'm not giving up on you and still want you to do this... UN-fuckin-believable.
This morning Tammy called to tell me about the loss of our college friend Booger. I’ve really appreciated all her communications about that, even though I was not close to the guy. I appreciated it so much.
Really weird, because then other guys who we partied with in those days popped into my head. Hopefully those guys will get the word somehow.
I had such a long chat with Tammy this morning and man, it was a good one.
I am having a lumpectomy tomorrow. There are suspicious lesions in my breast and they have to come out for pathology (a biopsy was done but it was not enough).
As if this wasn’t stressful enough, crazy came to town in the form of my friend who took The Landmark Forum course. And while it seems like she has had an amazing transformation and is so happy (something has obviously worked for her), she is trying to get me to register and I simply don’t want to. It has gone beyond weird and I have asked her to back off for a good long time. No joke, this bs is causing me grief and I have been grinding my teeth and challenged to concentrate at work.
Since all this Landmark stuff started about a week ago I have done a tonne of due diligence and reading. Although not officially recognized as a cult (and no one has ever died from it), there are disturbing aspects to it… “Large group awareness training” is what you can Google in order to see what this is all about. Basically they deconstruct your personality, and through repetition they teach you some jargon and ideas, then there’s fake psychotherapy, sharing, shaming and confessions (I mean, people share / confess things that are shameful to them, then the leader says something like “it sounds like you have an issue with trust”), and then through acceptance of the group you are built back up. All this over 12 hour days with very few breaks. There is also a lot of pressure to sign up for more advanced courses and to tell everyone you know about the Landmark Forum and to get others to sign up. The 3.5 day intensive course is $600 and there are about 150 people in the course each time it is taught. That’s $90,000 they take in each time the course is taught, which is every month (in addition to all the other courses they teach). They keep overhead low by having very few staff and very many volunteers who dedicate their time in order to stay hooked into the counselling and mentoring (and to keep riding the bliss wave). The onus is on the volunteers to get people to register in order to advance themselves. Something like getting 400 “regs” (folks to sign up for the basic course – The Landmark Forum) enables someone to advance to a high level (sounds a little like Scientology but without the aliens & star power). So, you end up spending lots of money on more courses and lots of time helping to run the place.
I love human stories but this thing is just crackers. I really feel like I dodged a bullet. Man, taking the Landmark course is the LAST thing I want to do.
Things I DO want to do: pay off my house, travel, love my g-f forever, and learn how to knit. I don't want to attend a pseudo corporate seminar on a sunny summer weekend. Her attitude of "you are doing this course" and my attitude of "no thanks" is making any normal interaction very uncomfortable. Friendship should be easier.
I am so worried and so fed up… and now this poor dude has died. WHAT A FUCKIN WEEK! I don’t want to drink the Kool-aid! Don’t make me! You can't roofy me into this. I don't respond well to pressure, bullying, confrontation or manipulation.
You know I am still smiling though… laughing a little too, and constantly amazed where the journey of life takes us. I’m not scared. I’m so grateful I have my friends. I feel connected and I feel loved. And I love myself too.
Monday, May 05, 2008
And My Response
Believe it or not, I'm not angry. Just mildly annoyed that I am feeling frazzled at work. Cuz, like, I need to use my brain here and stuff.
**
I will try to put words around this. I am happy for you and I love you.
You’re hounding me to take the course and I don’t want to. I am resisting you.
Of course, everything I tell you will be (AND IS) an excuse, my hang up, my defence mechanism, my racket. I 100% own my excuses.
You have told me that you will make me take the course, and that I am not getting off the hook this time. And now things have taken a turn for the weird. I know that many folks have taken this course with success. I recognize that there is power in large group awareness training. It can be a powerful thing, especially if you are searching for something and open to new experiences and learning.
Of course, I feel bad because all my resistance is just an “excuse”. There is the false logic being pushed on me, “since you love me, since you trust me, I am committed to you, you’ll do this”.
You are new to Landmark. I am sure that the owners / operators of this movement do not want pressure tactics and coercion used to get people to take the courses, whether it is out of love or whatever. You are committed to me, yes, but you are also pressuring me, coercing me. You told me today that this is what my mother would want. That was manipulative. You know how I feel about the loss of my mother. I cannot speculate on what she would / wouldn’t want. Obviously she would want my happiness. But she, like me, was an autonomous person, with a mind of her own. She is dead. She is not here to ask if this is right for me or not. For you to reference her in this whole thing hoping that it would convince me was not a good decision.
My answer is no. I have repeated this to xx also. I understand that last night there was a “yes” but now there is a very strong “no”. The answer is no. No.
I cannot express very well why. I cannot give an excuse that you will accept.
Believe it or not, I'm not angry. Just mildly annoyed that I am feeling frazzled at work. Cuz, like, I need to use my brain here and stuff.
**
I will try to put words around this. I am happy for you and I love you.
You’re hounding me to take the course and I don’t want to. I am resisting you.
Of course, everything I tell you will be (AND IS) an excuse, my hang up, my defence mechanism, my racket. I 100% own my excuses.
You have told me that you will make me take the course, and that I am not getting off the hook this time. And now things have taken a turn for the weird. I know that many folks have taken this course with success. I recognize that there is power in large group awareness training. It can be a powerful thing, especially if you are searching for something and open to new experiences and learning.
Of course, I feel bad because all my resistance is just an “excuse”. There is the false logic being pushed on me, “since you love me, since you trust me, I am committed to you, you’ll do this”.
You are new to Landmark. I am sure that the owners / operators of this movement do not want pressure tactics and coercion used to get people to take the courses, whether it is out of love or whatever. You are committed to me, yes, but you are also pressuring me, coercing me. You told me today that this is what my mother would want. That was manipulative. You know how I feel about the loss of my mother. I cannot speculate on what she would / wouldn’t want. Obviously she would want my happiness. But she, like me, was an autonomous person, with a mind of her own. She is dead. She is not here to ask if this is right for me or not. For you to reference her in this whole thing hoping that it would convince me was not a good decision.
My answer is no. I have repeated this to xx also. I understand that last night there was a “yes” but now there is a very strong “no”. The answer is no. No.
I cannot express very well why. I cannot give an excuse that you will accept.
X, Y and Z
I put the post back up. Something happened and everything changed. Someone did a 180 because they took The Landmark Forum course and is now trying to spread the magic. I am thrilled for her, and she is happier than I have ever seen her. Something really clicked and she gets it.
I have been talking with her non-stop about the Landmark Forum. I in fact facilitated the meeting between her and another friend of ours who has taken several courses. I said to her, "He's going to talk to you about these courses... be ready." She was ready for that information. She signed up and took it and is riding a huge blissful wave of self-awareness.
I went to the introduction session yesterday, on a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon, when I would much rather have been poking in my garden. Inside I didn't really want to go. Outside I knew I had to go because I had made the commitment to go.
I love and trust both my friends. Let me say this... it was a long evening. We did an exercise and from that work I had a long list of things for me that are working and also not working. Change is good, and I embrace it. I like things that challenge me. I like to stretch. Sometimes I like to experience things that make me feel uncomfortable. I take risks. All those things are a “yes” for me. I did enjoy talking to the presenter. The evening was an eye-opener and very interesting.
There is openness on my part. There was also grave concern for my friend. I knew when she talked to our other friend that he would hit her with the Landmark info. I thought that she might even express a desire to get some of what he's got (his magic and energy, which is tremendous). Back at Christmastime I was so worried about my friend. I wanted something huge for her, I wanted help for her. But I felt I could not help her. When she called me in tears from the course last Saturday I CRIED TOO and thanked god that something positive was happening.
Friendship with her has been an all or nothing thing. It’s not like any other friendship I have had. It’s work, in fact. At times it has sucked the life out of me. Her negativity and always discussing her issues and things that aren’t working in her life have been a drain at times for me. Yes, we are close, like sisters. It’s not a regular friendship because we have seen each other through some heavy stuff. It’s not a “surface-y” friendship. Believe me, the trust and love is there.
If I went to the Forum and didn’t like it I wouldn’t "hate" anyone! I use that word "hate" so sparingly... And I just don’t operate that way – I’m not a blamer like that. I can see that something resonates deeply with my friends because of the Landmark Forum, and that is amazing. Yup, he gave that gift to her – that rules! He inspired her. He also inspired me. And because of that I got her to contact him.
I am trying… but I don’t react well to confrontation or the perhaps false sense of urgency the presenters created around those summer weekend courses being “IT” – like they are the only option. The truth is... these courses are offered every month. I can take one whenever. I only registered to get them off my back and to please my friend - above all I did not want to disappoint her. Upon some deeper consideration I decided these are not good enough reasons. I should feel GREAT about registering, not be in tears and feeling guilty. So I’m just not ready.
I create this possibility: I am extraordinary. I get it. I support it. I will not commit to it now. I may never commit to it. I may never get it-get it. I may in fact register later. I may take the course and… who knows! Or not... I felt the best about my decision to say no. Saying no is powerful.
Funny things can happen in those large group self-awareness training situations. Alarm bells were going off. Maybe this is my racket and I like it. But I trust myself too.
I came home and felt so strongly the need to talk to my dad. He's normally not the one that I want. I frequently yearn for my mom, and hardly ever my dad. Dad, I thought, dad, how I wish I could talk to you now. And when I got home I heard the radio, the show In The Key of Charles. Beautiful choral music filled the house. How appropriate... we were a family who sang in choirs, music was our modus operandi. And each song was more beautiful than the next and every piece was something my dad had sung, that we had sung together. My dad was there, he was speaking to me through the radio, through music. I made the right decision
I put the post back up. Something happened and everything changed. Someone did a 180 because they took The Landmark Forum course and is now trying to spread the magic. I am thrilled for her, and she is happier than I have ever seen her. Something really clicked and she gets it.
I have been talking with her non-stop about the Landmark Forum. I in fact facilitated the meeting between her and another friend of ours who has taken several courses. I said to her, "He's going to talk to you about these courses... be ready." She was ready for that information. She signed up and took it and is riding a huge blissful wave of self-awareness.
I went to the introduction session yesterday, on a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon, when I would much rather have been poking in my garden. Inside I didn't really want to go. Outside I knew I had to go because I had made the commitment to go.
I love and trust both my friends. Let me say this... it was a long evening. We did an exercise and from that work I had a long list of things for me that are working and also not working. Change is good, and I embrace it. I like things that challenge me. I like to stretch. Sometimes I like to experience things that make me feel uncomfortable. I take risks. All those things are a “yes” for me. I did enjoy talking to the presenter. The evening was an eye-opener and very interesting.
There is openness on my part. There was also grave concern for my friend. I knew when she talked to our other friend that he would hit her with the Landmark info. I thought that she might even express a desire to get some of what he's got (his magic and energy, which is tremendous). Back at Christmastime I was so worried about my friend. I wanted something huge for her, I wanted help for her. But I felt I could not help her. When she called me in tears from the course last Saturday I CRIED TOO and thanked god that something positive was happening.
Friendship with her has been an all or nothing thing. It’s not like any other friendship I have had. It’s work, in fact. At times it has sucked the life out of me. Her negativity and always discussing her issues and things that aren’t working in her life have been a drain at times for me. Yes, we are close, like sisters. It’s not a regular friendship because we have seen each other through some heavy stuff. It’s not a “surface-y” friendship. Believe me, the trust and love is there.
If I went to the Forum and didn’t like it I wouldn’t "hate" anyone! I use that word "hate" so sparingly... And I just don’t operate that way – I’m not a blamer like that. I can see that something resonates deeply with my friends because of the Landmark Forum, and that is amazing. Yup, he gave that gift to her – that rules! He inspired her. He also inspired me. And because of that I got her to contact him.
I am trying… but I don’t react well to confrontation or the perhaps false sense of urgency the presenters created around those summer weekend courses being “IT” – like they are the only option. The truth is... these courses are offered every month. I can take one whenever. I only registered to get them off my back and to please my friend - above all I did not want to disappoint her. Upon some deeper consideration I decided these are not good enough reasons. I should feel GREAT about registering, not be in tears and feeling guilty. So I’m just not ready.
I create this possibility: I am extraordinary. I get it. I support it. I will not commit to it now. I may never commit to it. I may never get it-get it. I may in fact register later. I may take the course and… who knows! Or not... I felt the best about my decision to say no. Saying no is powerful.
Funny things can happen in those large group self-awareness training situations. Alarm bells were going off. Maybe this is my racket and I like it. But I trust myself too.
I came home and felt so strongly the need to talk to my dad. He's normally not the one that I want. I frequently yearn for my mom, and hardly ever my dad. Dad, I thought, dad, how I wish I could talk to you now. And when I got home I heard the radio, the show In The Key of Charles. Beautiful choral music filled the house. How appropriate... we were a family who sang in choirs, music was our modus operandi. And each song was more beautiful than the next and every piece was something my dad had sung, that we had sung together. My dad was there, he was speaking to me through the radio, through music. I made the right decision
