Monday, February 26, 2007
Laughing For Weeks
Forgive me for the picture but it's just been making me laugh for weeks on end. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
This photo was found among the crap in the storage locker which Paris Hilton forgot to make payments on, blah blah blah, and all the stuff eventually got auctioned off, including this gem as well as stuff like her herpes medication, etc.
There are so many things to say about this dude. Like, dude, is it hot in that room? Or, are you into interpretive dance? Or, are you recreating the album cover Rumors? If so, WHERE'S STEVIE NICKS?
This dude, allegedly the past-boyfriend of Mischa Barton, star of a show I don't watch and is no longer made. I don't know much about Mischa Barton except that she is a pretty starlet. And this was her boyfriend? What's going on Mischa?
Oh wait...
I know the first pic is old news but, like Nick Nolte's mug shot, I can't stop laughing at it.
Forgive me for the picture but it's just been making me laugh for weeks on end. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
This photo was found among the crap in the storage locker which Paris Hilton forgot to make payments on, blah blah blah, and all the stuff eventually got auctioned off, including this gem as well as stuff like her herpes medication, etc.There are so many things to say about this dude. Like, dude, is it hot in that room? Or, are you into interpretive dance? Or, are you recreating the album cover Rumors? If so, WHERE'S STEVIE NICKS?
This dude, allegedly the past-boyfriend of Mischa Barton, star of a show I don't watch and is no longer made. I don't know much about Mischa Barton except that she is a pretty starlet. And this was her boyfriend? What's going on Mischa?
Oh wait...
I know the first pic is old news but, like Nick Nolte's mug shot, I can't stop laughing at it.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
That Jim - Pam Thing
Online they call it "Jam": what happened between Jim and Pam on The Office. It's the main plot line about the two best friends at work who almost became a couple. The unsuccessful merger was due to both characters avoiding the truth and so they never actually got together. Their feelings were denied, and they each took different paths. But because it's TV, the writers brought them back together! Sort of.
I have no idea if a lot of people watch The Office or not. I fucking love The Office. I loved the original BBC version too.
On last week's episode there was a bat loose in the office. The office drunk Meredith was hiding in a cupboard but no one remembered to let her know it was safe to come out. At the end of the day she was calling out for help when the resident weird dude Creed exited the office yelling, " 'Bye Mary Beth!" It's funny because he doesn't know anyone's names. And, it's my name.
Also, I have a crush on Steve Carell as Michael Scott. I don't know why. He's short. He's hairy. He's the 40 Year Old Virgin. And yet, I totally get why Jan loses her mind for him. I get that thing.
But back to Jim and Pam. Office fans want payoff here. Maybe we are lame but we just want the office bff's to get together because they are such good friends. They are cute. So stop making us wait by taking us down amusing side tracks... like when Michael had a pathetic convention party in his hotel room, or when the guys got drunk at Benihana and then picked up their waitresses.
Online they call it "Jam": what happened between Jim and Pam on The Office. It's the main plot line about the two best friends at work who almost became a couple. The unsuccessful merger was due to both characters avoiding the truth and so they never actually got together. Their feelings were denied, and they each took different paths. But because it's TV, the writers brought them back together! Sort of.
I have no idea if a lot of people watch The Office or not. I fucking love The Office. I loved the original BBC version too.
On last week's episode there was a bat loose in the office. The office drunk Meredith was hiding in a cupboard but no one remembered to let her know it was safe to come out. At the end of the day she was calling out for help when the resident weird dude Creed exited the office yelling, " 'Bye Mary Beth!" It's funny because he doesn't know anyone's names. And, it's my name.
Also, I have a crush on Steve Carell as Michael Scott. I don't know why. He's short. He's hairy. He's the 40 Year Old Virgin. And yet, I totally get why Jan loses her mind for him. I get that thing.
But back to Jim and Pam. Office fans want payoff here. Maybe we are lame but we just want the office bff's to get together because they are such good friends. They are cute. So stop making us wait by taking us down amusing side tracks... like when Michael had a pathetic convention party in his hotel room, or when the guys got drunk at Benihana and then picked up their waitresses.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
And Furthermore
Chicago was fucking freezing. I could not believe how cold it was, something like -12 Fahrenheit which is -24 C!!! Brutal. And they call it "the windy city"? BECAUSE IT IS. However my flights were great, my meetings were great, my expenses were low, my meals were fun and I was outta there early and up in Huntsville on time on Friday. My Chicago friend is suddenly engaged and all excited about her wedding. I met up with her and her fiance at her neighbourhood pub called Brownstone. We had a whirlwind couple of beers and catchup session. It was fun but was I smoky-smelling afterwards. You forget how gross it is when people smoke in restaurants. I finally went to the breakfast place across from my hotel. I was there at 7am with the other regulars. I had about 6 cups of coffee and only managed to eat about 1/3 of my breakfast. Really good but like most portions in America, too damn big.
It feels like I have been eating only gross food since last Wednesday night. This is bad but sometimes after hockey we hit the drive-thru. It's not so much for the food but the fizzy fountain coke. OK it's the food too. So that started last Wednesday night (stunning defeat; had to eat), and continued until Monday night. Travel-expense food on Thursday and Friday, McDonald's AGAIN on the 400, and then carb-laden food at camp all weekend. Nicely bookended by Tim Horton's double-doubles. I then had the urge to cook on Sunday afternoon so I made homemade meat sauce and spinach-ricotta shells. Absolutely gorgeous but cooking for one is... hard. So I was eating that for each meal for the next two days. It's soooo good because it's soooo bad.
I was not imagining that my pants were tight this morning. OR WAS I? How could that be? After my huge tube of toothpaste was confiscated at security (what the fuck was I thinking...?) I ran like hell through Terminal 1 in Chicago (from Concourse B to Concourse C), I am not kidding it was like a mile and I made an earlier flight home by a hair. How do I know? I was wearing a huge down coat and had that icky ass sweat feeling, but it was totally worth it. I killed myself at hockey last week to the point where I SMELLED. And... I skated for an hour outside. I hit the trails 3 times and each time had me sucking on my inhaler. I ran up the terraces with a goddamn mattress (Tawingo's version of tobogganing). I hoisted a million gigantic babies in the air. WHY ARE THE BABIES SO HUGE? Plus, anytime you walk anywhere around the camp it's like a kilometer.
It was a good weekend to sort of relax and listen to other people's problems for a while. I did drop the separation bomb on a few people (no tears though, phew), but I didn't go on and on about it. That place really doesn't change and for that I say thanks. I don't know where else on earth you can go for $80, all-inclusive for 48 hrs and do all the winter sports you want for free. Mind you, you sleep in a bunk bed but the cabins are very comfortable. Except for hearing everyone's kids yammering through the walls. Oh what the hell. I can, and do, sleep through anything.
My favourite thing, which made no sense and was utterly strange, was the two little girls who did a skit at Talent Night called "The Shoe Show". "The Shoe Show" was the two 6-year-old girls dressed in the enormously huge "Crusaders" mascot costume heads and weaving around onstage clutching pairs of shoes tied at the laces. What made it unintentionally hilarious was the fact that they could almost not enter the stage because the mascot heads were so big they couldn't squeeze through the door. Once they managed to get through the one said to the other, "Can you see?" The other replied no, she couldn't. Their act was then comprised of these two sort of wandering aimlessly around. I think that the purpose of the pairs of shoes tied at the laces was to whip around like batons but since they couldn't see... hilarity ensued. Ah to have been in an altered state. I could not make this shit up. Perhaps you had to be there.
Chicago was fucking freezing. I could not believe how cold it was, something like -12 Fahrenheit which is -24 C!!! Brutal. And they call it "the windy city"? BECAUSE IT IS. However my flights were great, my meetings were great, my expenses were low, my meals were fun and I was outta there early and up in Huntsville on time on Friday. My Chicago friend is suddenly engaged and all excited about her wedding. I met up with her and her fiance at her neighbourhood pub called Brownstone. We had a whirlwind couple of beers and catchup session. It was fun but was I smoky-smelling afterwards. You forget how gross it is when people smoke in restaurants. I finally went to the breakfast place across from my hotel. I was there at 7am with the other regulars. I had about 6 cups of coffee and only managed to eat about 1/3 of my breakfast. Really good but like most portions in America, too damn big.
It feels like I have been eating only gross food since last Wednesday night. This is bad but sometimes after hockey we hit the drive-thru. It's not so much for the food but the fizzy fountain coke. OK it's the food too. So that started last Wednesday night (stunning defeat; had to eat), and continued until Monday night. Travel-expense food on Thursday and Friday, McDonald's AGAIN on the 400, and then carb-laden food at camp all weekend. Nicely bookended by Tim Horton's double-doubles. I then had the urge to cook on Sunday afternoon so I made homemade meat sauce and spinach-ricotta shells. Absolutely gorgeous but cooking for one is... hard. So I was eating that for each meal for the next two days. It's soooo good because it's soooo bad.
I was not imagining that my pants were tight this morning. OR WAS I? How could that be? After my huge tube of toothpaste was confiscated at security (what the fuck was I thinking...?) I ran like hell through Terminal 1 in Chicago (from Concourse B to Concourse C), I am not kidding it was like a mile and I made an earlier flight home by a hair. How do I know? I was wearing a huge down coat and had that icky ass sweat feeling, but it was totally worth it. I killed myself at hockey last week to the point where I SMELLED. And... I skated for an hour outside. I hit the trails 3 times and each time had me sucking on my inhaler. I ran up the terraces with a goddamn mattress (Tawingo's version of tobogganing). I hoisted a million gigantic babies in the air. WHY ARE THE BABIES SO HUGE? Plus, anytime you walk anywhere around the camp it's like a kilometer.
It was a good weekend to sort of relax and listen to other people's problems for a while. I did drop the separation bomb on a few people (no tears though, phew), but I didn't go on and on about it. That place really doesn't change and for that I say thanks. I don't know where else on earth you can go for $80, all-inclusive for 48 hrs and do all the winter sports you want for free. Mind you, you sleep in a bunk bed but the cabins are very comfortable. Except for hearing everyone's kids yammering through the walls. Oh what the hell. I can, and do, sleep through anything.
My favourite thing, which made no sense and was utterly strange, was the two little girls who did a skit at Talent Night called "The Shoe Show". "The Shoe Show" was the two 6-year-old girls dressed in the enormously huge "Crusaders" mascot costume heads and weaving around onstage clutching pairs of shoes tied at the laces. What made it unintentionally hilarious was the fact that they could almost not enter the stage because the mascot heads were so big they couldn't squeeze through the door. Once they managed to get through the one said to the other, "Can you see?" The other replied no, she couldn't. Their act was then comprised of these two sort of wandering aimlessly around. I think that the purpose of the pairs of shoes tied at the laces was to whip around like batons but since they couldn't see... hilarity ensued. Ah to have been in an altered state. I could not make this shit up. Perhaps you had to be there.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Manners Maketh Men
Why do I love him?
Why do I love him?
Monday, February 12, 2007
Don't Let the Bastards Get You Down
I'm still washing my hair. I haven't starting reading Cathy (yet; and, what the fuck yo, Cathy got married like 3 years ago??). But it's hard to tell someone without priming the pump or like to just launch into it and they're not expecting it. I haven't been having these conversations for years; what I mean is, there's been no lead-up or expectation among people that this was happening. This is new news to everyone. So sometimes people are really surprised. I've actually had a few people burst into tears and then they stand there and cry and all I can do is hold their hand for a few minutes until they pull it together and then explain what the hell is going on, or has been going on, and apologize a little. Because it is sad. And I am sorry. And perhaps if I had been more honest with people before we wouldn't be standing here crying and holding hands.
And I can't help coming off like a stone cold bitch when I talk to that mediation guy. I just want it all over before my sell-by date. I just paid $1000 to this guy who acted like a mean dad when we met with him. Fuck, he was all snooty when he saw our financials. I wanted to say fuck you buddy, I’ve been doing it ALL BY MYSELF for years. You wouldn’t be the best little saver either. When I was seeming bitchy in the meeting and then he changed his tack a little, kind of pulling back and asking personal questions and then said, well you haven’t shared much of yourself today Mary Beth, and I ALMOST unloaded on the guy, but all I said is “Well we just met.” He thought that was hilarious. And - he thought 12 years of marriage was "brief". It hasn't been brief to me?! I can't tell if this bodes well or actually has all the signs of badness.
I'm still washing my hair. I haven't starting reading Cathy (yet; and, what the fuck yo, Cathy got married like 3 years ago??). But it's hard to tell someone without priming the pump or like to just launch into it and they're not expecting it. I haven't been having these conversations for years; what I mean is, there's been no lead-up or expectation among people that this was happening. This is new news to everyone. So sometimes people are really surprised. I've actually had a few people burst into tears and then they stand there and cry and all I can do is hold their hand for a few minutes until they pull it together and then explain what the hell is going on, or has been going on, and apologize a little. Because it is sad. And I am sorry. And perhaps if I had been more honest with people before we wouldn't be standing here crying and holding hands.
And I can't help coming off like a stone cold bitch when I talk to that mediation guy. I just want it all over before my sell-by date. I just paid $1000 to this guy who acted like a mean dad when we met with him. Fuck, he was all snooty when he saw our financials. I wanted to say fuck you buddy, I’ve been doing it ALL BY MYSELF for years. You wouldn’t be the best little saver either. When I was seeming bitchy in the meeting and then he changed his tack a little, kind of pulling back and asking personal questions and then said, well you haven’t shared much of yourself today Mary Beth, and I ALMOST unloaded on the guy, but all I said is “Well we just met.” He thought that was hilarious. And - he thought 12 years of marriage was "brief". It hasn't been brief to me?! I can't tell if this bodes well or actually has all the signs of badness.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Me and Alec
I am in awe about how often I talk about Alec Baldwin here and then our paths don't magically cross. Except that they might?
About 5 minutes after I started to tell people I was separated, a colleague of a very distant friend (both people are in PR) emailed me about a publicity stunt seeking to send a "normal" woman on a date with... Alec Baldwin. Yes, I have ranted on the Les Baldwin Bros before, but those who know me know I have big love for Alec on 30 Rock and also for his SNL hosting abilities. I'm a fan, I guess, in that way I appreciate his talents, and am generally glad that he exists on this planet. Anyway, this fucking stupid scheme. This could be a funny thing, or a terrible thing. But most likely it will be no-thing.
Anyway, I did humour the friend. Now there's this request to send a headshot ("normal" women do not have headshots) , and please describe yourself in an upbeat way, and specifically compare yourself to beautiful female celebrities... HUH? Specifically, the celebs you may resemble. I mean like, Whaaaa? If I was even remotely resembling a celebrity, would I not BE a celebrity?
I am in awe about how often I talk about Alec Baldwin here and then our paths don't magically cross. Except that they might?
About 5 minutes after I started to tell people I was separated, a colleague of a very distant friend (both people are in PR) emailed me about a publicity stunt seeking to send a "normal" woman on a date with... Alec Baldwin. Yes, I have ranted on the Les Baldwin Bros before, but those who know me know I have big love for Alec on 30 Rock and also for his SNL hosting abilities. I'm a fan, I guess, in that way I appreciate his talents, and am generally glad that he exists on this planet. Anyway, this fucking stupid scheme. This could be a funny thing, or a terrible thing. But most likely it will be no-thing.
Anyway, I did humour the friend. Now there's this request to send a headshot ("normal" women do not have headshots) , and please describe yourself in an upbeat way, and specifically compare yourself to beautiful female celebrities... HUH? Specifically, the celebs you may resemble. I mean like, Whaaaa? If I was even remotely resembling a celebrity, would I not BE a celebrity?
Good For One (1) Free Blowjob
Recently I got caught out handing some rudeness over to a colleague. A while ago I had been joking around with a g-f, saying she needed to leave her husband a little note stating the above-captioned message, or better yet, stick a little card with this naughtiness in his wallet. Of course, we were drinking at the time, as we often do. I promptly wrote the little ditty on one of my own business cards and handed it to her, but we realized it made no sense, since it was on MY card, so I drunkenly stuck it back in my wallet. Flash forward a couple of months later when I unknowingly handed out the same card to some guy at the end of a business meeting... Hilarity did not ensure.
Recently I got caught out handing some rudeness over to a colleague. A while ago I had been joking around with a g-f, saying she needed to leave her husband a little note stating the above-captioned message, or better yet, stick a little card with this naughtiness in his wallet. Of course, we were drinking at the time, as we often do. I promptly wrote the little ditty on one of my own business cards and handed it to her, but we realized it made no sense, since it was on MY card, so I drunkenly stuck it back in my wallet. Flash forward a couple of months later when I unknowingly handed out the same card to some guy at the end of a business meeting... Hilarity did not ensure.