Go Betty

Friends Or Foes?

I really hate being on the outs with someone. It's all so girlish and mixed up, rife with misunderstanding and it really disrupts my sleep. The problem is I wrote an email that I thought was funny, lighthearted and, first and foremost, self-deprecating. Someone I'm rather close to really took exception to it. She called my cell phone and left a message. That message sent a chill down my spine.

At first, I thought "This is funny. She's left me a joke message." I smiled as I started to listen to the message and I thought "Nice one on her; she usually doesn't do funny kooky things like this". Then after a few more sentences into the message I realized, hey this message is serious. She is seriously pissed. Then I was filled with a sense of sorrow and dread that I had hurt her feelings.

So that evening I called her house a couple of times to apologize but no answer. I didn't want to leave a voicemail. It didn't seem like the right thing to do. I wanted to talk to her personally. Was she screening my calls? It's possible, but I don't blame her if she's that mad.

Then I had a terrible sleep punctuated by a nightmare centred around her voicemail message. I woke up and had to find Nick (it was 1am; he was watching TV downstairs) and get him to help me fall back asleep.

I decided the next day to stop worrying and just apologize unequivocally; no strings, no excuses, no trying to explain my way out of it. I figured out what I wanted to say in a draft email that I revisited a few times throughout the day at the office. At lunchtime I went to the washroom. It was then that I noticed I had put on two belts when I got dressed in the morning. Talk about being distracted...

After lunch I said fuck it. Fuck waiting around for a good time to call. Just send the email. Apologize and forget it. It was a simple heartfelt apology with an offer to make amends in a way that she might want, and I felt a lot better.

Then, I went back and re-read the original offending email and I laughed. It's not offensive. It's funny and off-the-cuff. Now granted, if someone's feelings are hurt you gotta respect that, especially if that person is a friend. But I didn't think I needed to worry about it one more minute. I didn't mean anything by it then and I don't now. I am highly surprised she got so worked up about it.

And now I've got a funny feeling centering around all these "what ifs" that have been popping into my head. For instance, her message to me. How I wish I had saved it because it sounded so... priggish. Like a repressed 50-year-old girls' school principal was leaving me a crazy message about manners on my cell phone. That was what originally made me smile when I first listened to it. It was so rigid it didn't sound legit: a maiden aunt giving a 10-year-old kid a talking to about decorum.

I mean, who leaves messages like that? What about saying, hey what you wrote hurt my feelings. Or, I thought that was rude, don't do that again.

And then I had this even crazier feeling: why do I have a friend who leaves a message like that? Do I even care? Am I really sorry? (yes, of course!) But it made me question the value of having someone like that in my life. Maybe it would be pleasant just to dump that friend and move on. To not really pursue making it right. Because leaving me a message like that? Is like a play for an elaborate apology from me.

Then I was like all weighing the benefits of dumping a friend (something I've never successfully done; sure, friendships sometimes peter out but this is different). Wouldn't it be so damn freeing to purge the so-so people in your life? MAN, it would be like having a huge emotional garage sale and then your house is so clean and dust-free and you even have some pocket money afterwards. By phasing this person out I could just be so much lighter...

And with that thought in my head I suddenly remembered the time she criticized my husband for something that really, if one were to say that in a lunchtime conversation, you'd really be challenging the friendship -- it was that personal. I just remembered that today. Normally I'm a completely forgive and forget person with friends. But maybe not this time. I think I've decided that I am actually more offended now than she is. I think it's time to wind up this friendship and move on. I'm trying to envision the regret I might feel in the future by ending it, but I can't hardly imagine it.

It's funny, she's always the one complaining about the plastic friendships.

Cougars And A Canadian Idol

I went to Jamie Kennedy Wine Bar with friends on Saturday night and got pretty loaded and was actually sick in the bathroom, and by the way Jamie, the locks don't work on the bathroom doors. I think that I was actually under the weather and that brought on the nausea. But man... do I ever hate buying expensive food and wine and then like losing it all down the toilet half and hour later.

Afterwards we went to The Gladstone for karaoke. It looked really fun. If I was more casual and had arrived earlier and hadn't yacked I would've been really into it so I must go back (but with different friends probably). Basically I looked a bit cougarish on Saturday night but what are you gonna do? After everyone else left Ginny and I walked over to The Drake and she talked the bouncer into letting us in (no money exchanged hands). We skipped the whole line. It's pretty cool, and so very hip.

Nobody famous was there except for us and Ryan Malcolm, and he's so low in the stratosphere he's not even a B-lister.

Bush Twins

I've often slagged the Bush twins for their underage drinking antics (and then wrote about the thanks of a grateful nation when they turned 21). Also fodder for a good slagging was when they spoke so horribly at the Republican National Convention earlier this summer. It was like listening to bad and unfunny speeches at a wedding reception for people you might possibly hate.

Here's a great blog of all their press, featuring my favourite picture of Jenna falling-down-drunk, holdin' a smoke.

Today in PageSix here's some typical Hunter S. Thompson hilarity, where he says of the Bush Twins "those cupcakes are crazy as barn-cats".

I love you Hunter.

The Weatherman Haunts My Childhood

Here is the email I wrote today to Dave Devall:

Dear Dave Devall,
Can you please confirm something that I would like to remember. Did you host a children's cartoon show in the late 60s - early 70s? I recall as a child getting up very early in the mornings and watching this show. At the end of the show a cake was brought out and you and another guy ate it (or at least started to cut the cake). Also, there were puppets...
Thanks,
Mary Beth

And here is what he wrote back today (Sept. 22.04) :

Hi Mary Beth
That would have been "The Professor". The only kids show I've hosted here was an adoption show in the 80's.
Cheers
Dave

And I don't know what he means by "The Professor". Does he mean The Wonderful Stories of Professor Kitzel?

Speaking of childhood shows, I for the life of me cannot separate in my mind Rocketship 7 and Commander Tom. I know that they were two different shows... but in my head they are the same show.

Got Guns?

I would just like to draw your attention to Ice-T's wife. Now, I GET what the shirt/picture is all about, but how about those VEINS? Or does it even matter when you're giving this person a certain item of jewelry?

Ken Jennings, Please Don't Spend The Night

Now that I know Ken Jennings has lost I (almost) don't want to keep watching his meteoric rise. Everyday I get home from work and then watch Jeopardy at 6:30pm on timeshifting (from somewhere in the Maritimes). Then I get on with my evening. I don't have to wait until 7:30pm when it's broadcast locally.

But now... I dunno. It's like when a guy has come over and you've had sex and now you're thinking "get outta here dude!" You don't want to have to deal with him one more second. You don't want him asleep in your bed and you sure as shit don't want him bumbling around in the morning chatting you up over coffee. You just want to maybe start a load of laundry, play with the dog, go to sleep and not have to talk to this person anymore.

I just feel like saying "Ken, it's been really fun sucking your Mormon wee wee. I enjoyed it when you did sex pushups on me and recited baseball statistics, although I find your knowledge of 80's music is slim. Now that I know the outcome it's time for you to go."

-- Note -- Dec. 1, 2004
The early predictions seemed right except for the proposed timing of last night's show. I think the person who leaked it didn't take into account the timing of the various tourneys like College Week, etc.

Our Husbands Are Zombies, Forget It, Let's Go

A couple of nights ago I had a dream in which I was living in a 3 storey house in LA with all my friends. It was the type of house where they stick reality show contestants and then film them lying around and being cranky.

Something started to change. The city started to burn. And citizens were becoming zombies or rabid, like a combination of people from 28 Days Later and Dawn of the Dead. Because we were up on a hill and behind gates we were safe for a while, but then our stupid husbands decided to "check things out" in town. Needless to say they came back "infected" or whatever. My friend Mary and I were arguing about what to do as the guys started to come towards the house. She was like "We gotta get in the Hummer and go now!", and I was like "But they're our husbands.", and she was like "Our husbands are zombies, forget it, let's go." And so we threw our purses in the Hummer and drove through the gate and smashed through our zombie husbands and drove out of LA.

My Journey

Let the schmaltzy title stand. It's my goddamn journey. A once in a lifetime thing.

It was absolutely the strangest, weirdest, cult-iest, strongest thing I have ever done. It went really well... For me the difficulty was not in the physically demanding stuff... it was being away from home for 48++ hours with strangers in close quarters, tramping around, being in this rah-rah you-go-girl atmosphere. It was a challenge for me to be among these rabidly happy strangers and just drop all the shyness and conventional solitude and just be out there, speaking to people, doing things together in really close quarters the whole time.

It started with check-in on Friday afternoon. There were thousands of people, mostly women, congregated at Exhibition Place. I was meeting with the other 8 people on my team (name: Me And My Girlfriends). The team was put together by my friend Lisa who knew everyone on the team. I didn't know anyone else. We had a difficult time meeting up and staying together when this one wanted to go buy something at the General Store, and that one wanted to go to the bathroom, etc. The thing was we had to go through the check-in process together so that we could get our tent assignments altogether. Despite the whole thing being very well run it did take a couple of hours to watch the safety video, check-in, get tent assignments, get any other last minute gear and basically be ready to hit the pavement the next day at 6am.

After the rigors of checking-in we all went out for dinner -- 9 relative strangers. I had met a couple of the gals on training walks, but we didn't really know each other. But dinner and wine certainly helped. Then I went home and packed, had a bath and went to bed.

To tell you the truth I was dreading - DREADING - doing the event. More than anything I hate giving up my weekends, hate doing things for long periods of time, hate crowds, hate feeling manipulated, hate groupthink, and was just wishing it would be over. It was in my thoughts so much leading up to the weekend. I was thinking of it as soon as I woke up each day, and last thing before falling asleep each night... And soon enough the dog was nudging my foot seconds before the alarm went off at 5am on Day One...

It was CHILLY when Nick dropped me and my gear off at Exhibition Place. Everyone was weary and crabby. I felt a lot of uncertainty. But from the minute the event started (even the night before) the volunteers and crew were very positive and encouraging. The thing was extremely well-run. I think it's gotta be - 5000 pieces of luggage, 5000 breakfasts, cups of coffee, box lunches, ladies who gotta go potty...

Then the sun was rising and we were walking after the opening ceremonies. We walked along Lakeshore, up University, through Queen's Park, across Bloor, up through Rosedale, Sunnybrook (that huge hill to the rugby pitches! Damn! I hate that hill!), behind the hospital where my mom died, along Sherwood (more hills! Argh!), Mount Pleasant, along Lawrence, north on Yonge to Woburn, up Woburn past Avenue Road, up towards North York, Yorkdale, Weston... oh my god, my knee was really starting to hurt -- not even my "bad" knee! My good knee was killing me! Finally along Keele to Downsview. I was literally shuffling across the finish line on Day One. My so-called injured knee was great. My other knee was all inflamed around the kneecap.

I signed in, found my team, found my tent (already set up! Thank you Girl Guides!), lined up for a hot shower (in a tractor trailer emblazoned with "Rubber Duckies" across the sides), had some hot dinner, and hit my sleeping bag. All I could think was "Thank god no blisters," and not "Gee I love doing breast cancer events". It was a full day of tramping uphill, talking to strangers, peeing in porto-potties and drinking Gatorade.

The next day I could have wept when I heard shuffling and voices at 5am...! But there I was, brushing my teeth in the pre-dawn, teeth chattering, pulling on my disgusting clothes from the day before (except I changed my sox every 6 hours during the walk), shoving down some bacon and eggs, and... walking. My thought then was "I don't want to live in a world without bacon and coffee".

We walked southwest, mostly through parks down the Humber. I took a lot of time alternating between walking and icing my knee. The next thought was "Thank god for cell phones". That's how the team all stayed in touch with each other.

Coming across the finish line altogether with our arms raised was lots of fun. Even though I was hurting so bad, I was walking tall. That part reminded me of coming into range of camp Tawingo after a long outtrip, cheering and raising our paddles. Then there was a too-long holding period (waiting for other walkers to finish), and what seemed like hours of cheering and protracted closing ceremonies. I was too tired to even think. I could barely stand during the final accolades. I just wanted Nick, the car, the air conditioning, beer, bath, bed. I am losing my big toenail on my left foot. I got Ben-Gay in my eye.

Yes, I cried to see all those breast cancer survivors coming across the finish line -- some of them shockingly young. I cried to think of my mom, wishing she was there to see it all. To see how much people are doing, to see how much people care. Too see how many people are affected. But this event is only 2 years old. And she has been gone 5 years. And still I think - is this REALLY going to save anybody? All this money - almost 15 million dollars - what's it really going to do that isn't already being done? What does it matter? My mom is dead. My sister and I will probably be diagnosed with breast cancer within 10 years. Is this money going to save us? We are all so fragile, but sometimes we are very very strong.

A Mormon Goes Down

Ken Jennings gets beaten. He got defeated at last night's taping and the episode airs at the end of September.

Oct. 20 2004
But in imdb.com today they quote Michael Starr of the New York Post:
Columnist Calculates Date of Jennings' 'Jeopardy' Defeat -- Based on Internet rumor that Ken Jennings' winning streak on Jeopardy will end after he has won 75 consecutive games and $2.5 million, New York Post columnist Michael Starr has calculated that he'll be knocked off on Tuesday, Nov. 9. Jennings' streak has boosted the show's ratings by more than 20 percent, Starr observed.

Night Calls

Most nights something or other awakens me. Last night around 4am it was some angry guy on the street. He was screaming / yelling to someone else, something about being an asshole and a cunt. We never heard the second person. It seemed like he stood right outside our house and yelled for about 5 minutes. Nick got up and looked out the window and I watched him. Neither of us said anything. Then Nick came back to bed.

About an hour later one of the cats, most likely Jazz, was retching up a hairball. She retched for a while and then vomited and then all was quiet. We both woke up and listened to her but did nothing. There was a time when one or both of us would jump out of bed and gently guide the barfing cat to a tiled floor or to the tub, or else attempt to catch the vomit. Nowadays we just let 'em barf and deal with it later with paper towels and Oxy.

In My Dreams

I have a dream that is always the same. I usually have it early in the morning before I awaken and hence it is the dream I always remember. It's a dream about being with my mom in some sort of togetherness nice-feeling situation. We are usually doing something together: maybe baking in the kitchen of our old house; driving somewhere to pick fruit; in the garden; folding clothes / ironing; sitting at the kitchen table talking. These are the kinds of things that we would do together. As a kid I had way way way more chores than any other kid I knew. Hours of cleaning, ironing and gardening were the usual things. But these chores were how we spent our time together, and now they come back to me in dreams of domesticity.

But back to the dream. It's the best dream in the world. It's like a wonderfully lucid happy sensation and it feels so true. It's like the thing I want most in my heart. And then as the precious minutes slip by the theme of the dream changes from 'this is where I want to be' to 'we're running out of time'. And that's when I am washed over with the feeling of idiocy. Time has slipped away and it's all over. I can't go back and it's not real. What's real is: the alarm is about to go off. I'm lying in bed in a different house and Nick is snoring away beside me and the dog is nudging my foot because she needs to go outside. I get up and stumble around a bit and start the day, whatever day it is, they all run together pretty much the same way, except this person is missing in my life and I will never get over it.